I have a couple of borrowed games here, one of them being Shadow of the Colossus. Yes, I’m just now playing it, shut up.
There’s not much to spoil here yet (I’ve beaten the first two), so I’m not going to bother cutting. MY THOUGHTS ON COLOSSUSUSUSES, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM
1. I came to this game knowing nothing more than what friends and Penny Arcade told me about it, that being: climb on giant things, find their glowy magical weak spots, and stab the shit out of them. Which is pretty much what you do.
2. Pretty. Oh god. Pretty game. The world is gorgeous and huge.
3. I can’t help it. I keep thinking about that Penny Arcade strip and busting out in giggles during the Colossus fights.
4. #1 was stupidly difficult for me just because I did not yet have the hang of this “grab and jump and climb and grab and climb” thing. I could see where I needed to go. I JUST COULDN’T HANG ON LONG ENOUGH AND KEPT GETTING STEPPED ON.
4a. So to blow off steam (and heal), I climbed up onto a rock and shot arrows at its ass from a safe distance until my health came back a few times.
4b. Finally, FINALLY, I hung on and climbed and jumped and grabbed and climbed some more and arrived at the stupid magical glowy weak spot. STABSTABSTAB.
5. I love the horse. I know I’m not the only person here who keeps calling the horse “Artax.”
6. Hmm. Okay, here’s the cave where #2’s supposed to be, do I go in there, how do I JESUS CHRIST ARTAX RUN
6a. I tried parking Artax up on the path where #2 would not squish him. Stupid horse kept following me back down. OKAY FINE DON’T BLAME ME WHEN HE STEPS ON YOU.
6b. Okay, where’s the glowy spot I hit to slow it down so I can crawl around on it and find the big glowy spot? … … …ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
6c. Shoot glowy spot on the bottom of one foot. Now what?
6d. Aha! Grab leg hair, climb up.
6e. Fall off.
6f. Repeat three or four times.
6g. Finally inch my way around to next magical glowy weak spot. Stab #2 in ass several times. Giggle.
6h. Ass weak spot disappears. Oh hell. Inch my way to #2’s forehead. As expected, find magical glowy weak spot. STABSTABSTA–
6i. Get shaken off with about one good stab’s worth of life left in #2. Cry.
6j. Shoot. Climb. Inch. Hang on. Rest. Climb. Run. OH SHIT HANG ON. Inch. Inch. RUN. Inch. STABBITY. Mission accomplished!