Now that I am free from writing obligations (for a little while), I took some time this evening to waste a Colossus.
Next on deck: #15! I already knew where this dude was; I’d found and investigated those ruins while I was out looking for another Colossus.
I figured out how to get up into the first level of the ruins by accident (OH GOD HE’S GOING TO STEP ON MEEEE–oh hey, thanks :D), but it took a little longer to figure out how to go higher.
Up onto the first catwalk! *crash* And down again. Up onto the second catwalk! *crash* And down again! Okay, I know I need to get up on his head. Back up the ruins, mighty leap onto his forehead, hang on, stab stab stabbity stab, weak spot dries up. Okay, let me just slide down his arm here and go regroup, and–oh hey, here’s another one. Ooo, this one makes him drop his weapon!
What’s that you say, mystic voice? Find his hidden vitals? That arm spot wasn’t them? Shit.
Find sunny spot. Shine beam on angry Colossus. Shine beam on head. Nothing. Shine beam on shoulders. Nothing. Shine beam on tummy. Nothing. Shine beam on legs. Nothing. Shine beam on arm, noth–wait, what the hell?
“HIS PALM,” I said aloud, “THE PALM OF HIS HAND, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?”
So now I had to bait this big bastard into taking a swing at me so I could stab him in the palm.
Which, by the way, was hairy. Which made me laugh until my sides hurt. See also: subject.
ONE MORE TO GO, YAY
#14: Oh look, it’s another one of those little fast bastards. After the initial near-fatal repeated ass-trampling he gave me, he wasn’t so bad. Climb, taunt armored Colossus with arrow, fall, repeat until fallen towers lead back to where I started. Climb, taunt now-naked Colossus with arrow, fall, run like hell to fallen pillar, jump on, taunt with arrow until naked Colossus forgets he is naked and headbutts fallen pillar with unprotected noggin, jump on while naked Colossus is seeing stars and little birdies, stab, repeat as necessary. Optional: ride pissed-off naked Colossus around field for a while when he gets up. Jump off and run like hell to fallen pillar.
#12: Setting aside the thing where I fell over the stupid waterfall on the way to him, this one was pretty nifty. Colossus with power steering! FORWARD! *whack* LEFT! *whack* NO, YOUR OTHER LEFT! *whack*
#13: I almost hated to kill this one, because he was just beautiful. But sitting there admiring him wouldn’t have done much to advance the game, so I had to waste him. I fell off or completely missed those wings you have to jump on from the horse so many times. I swore at him so much. And then he went to ground with about a stab left to go and I had to pop his belly sac thingies and get up on those damn wings all over again.
#10: I was stuck on him with absolutely no idea what the hell to do for longer than I really care to admit. A little background: by the time I finished #2 off, I realized two things:
1. Shooting colossi in the eyes does nothing, and
2. As much as I love Agro, he’s pretty much useless for colossus fights.
So imagine my reaction when I broke down and consulted a walkthrough and had it tell me to do those very two damn things. It was something like “oh ha ha ha fuck you #10.”
#11: Aw, he is so tiny and cute! For a colossus, anyway. Now this little dude was fun. My favorite part had to be chasing him around with a flaming stick.
Wander: Hey, look! Fire on a stick!
#11: *screeching halt* OMG FIRE
Wander: Here, have a closer look!
#11: *backs up* OMG FIRE
Wander: See, I can wave it around and stuff too!
#11: *backs up* OMG FIRE *backs up* OMG FIRE OMG CLIFF OMG FALLIIIIIING *thud*
#11’s Armor: *breaks*
#11: OMG NAKED
Wander: *leap* *stabstabstabstab*
#11: OMG DEAD *dies*
#8: GAAH. He wasn’t really that hard, but getting more than one stab in before he flipped back over and started spitting lightning balls at me again was tough.
#9: Oh wow, that was just evil. So basically, I have to trick this huge son of a bitch into standing over a geyser as it blows, shoot arrows into his tender ankles, climb up his belly when he rolls over, and get up onto his back while he gets up. OH YES PIECE OF CAKE gaaaah. Landing on that platformy bit right in front of his eyes, realizing I was walking in front of his eyes, and then having him flip me back onto his back was kind of funny. Falling off and having to repeat all this shit again was not so funny.
#7: A little frustrating at first, because I could never manage to be in the right spot to grab its tail when it surfaced. Once I got that figured out, it was another one of those I had to kind of ride around for a while just for the hell of it. Stab first weak spot that deactivates electric spiny thing. Stab second electric spiny thing deactivating weak spot. Stab third electric spiny thing deactivating weak spot. No problem. Oh hey, there’s THE weak spot right there!
Naturally, just as I got it down to about two stabs’ worth of life left, it went “DIVE! DIVE! AOOGA!” and I had to let go, come back to the surface for air, and wait for it to pop up again.
#3: Climb climb climb, stab stab stab… hey, where’s his weak spot going OH SHIT FALLING GRAB SOMETHING–um yes, fur right above new weak spot, that will do very nicely! *STAB*
#4: Oh god, #4. #4 is the only colossus so far I have flipped the bird at. So I figured those tunnels and mounds had to serve some purpose here, okay? I just didn’t figure out the real purpose for a while. I’d keep zigzagging around and grabbing the bastard’s hind leg and hanging on for a second and falling off. Finally, finally, I just happened to leave Wander standing at the base of some stairs in the tunnels while I took a quick drink break when all of a sudden I looked up at the tunnel entrance, and there was #4 peering in. “WTF?” I said, and I snuck out the back and AHA CLIMBABLE TAIL. I felt like such a tool. At least once you get up on him, he’s pretty easy.
#5: Oh man, #5 was just made entirely of huge flying awesome. The weak spots on the wings were pretty fiddly to get to and getting on him at all was a feat, but be honest here, folks: how many of you just kind of hung on and rode him around for a while without actively looking for a weak spot? Fess up now, you know you did, that was fucking cool.
#6: And now, an easy colossus. YAY. I did get shaken off a couple times, but at least it’s easy to get up on him.
I have a couple of borrowed games here, one of them being Shadow of the Colossus. Yes, I’m just now playing it, shut up.
There’s not much to spoil here yet (I’ve beaten the first two), so I’m not going to bother cutting. MY THOUGHTS ON COLOSSUSUSUSES, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM
1. I came to this game knowing nothing more than what friends and Penny Arcade told me about it, that being: climb on giant things, find their glowy magical weak spots, and stab the shit out of them. Which is pretty much what you do.
2. Pretty. Oh god. Pretty game. The world is gorgeous and huge.
3. I can’t help it. I keep thinking about that Penny Arcade strip and busting out in giggles during the Colossus fights.
4. #1 was stupidly difficult for me just because I did not yet have the hang of this “grab and jump and climb and grab and climb” thing. I could see where I needed to go. I JUST COULDN’T HANG ON LONG ENOUGH AND KEPT GETTING STEPPED ON.
4a. So to blow off steam (and heal), I climbed up onto a rock and shot arrows at its ass from a safe distance until my health came back a few times.
4b. Finally, FINALLY, I hung on and climbed and jumped and grabbed and climbed some more and arrived at the stupid magical glowy weak spot. STABSTABSTAB.
5. I love the horse. I know I’m not the only person here who keeps calling the horse “Artax.”
6. Hmm. Okay, here’s the cave where #2’s supposed to be, do I go in there, how do I JESUS CHRIST ARTAX RUN
6a. I tried parking Artax up on the path where #2 would not squish him. Stupid horse kept following me back down. OKAY FINE DON’T BLAME ME WHEN HE STEPS ON YOU.
6b. Okay, where’s the glowy spot I hit to slow it down so I can crawl around on it and find the big glowy spot? … … …ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
6c. Shoot glowy spot on the bottom of one foot. Now what?
6d. Aha! Grab leg hair, climb up.
6e. Fall off.
6f. Repeat three or four times.
6g. Finally inch my way around to next magical glowy weak spot. Stab #2 in ass several times. Giggle.
6h. Ass weak spot disappears. Oh hell. Inch my way to #2’s forehead. As expected, find magical glowy weak spot. STABSTABSTA–
6i. Get shaken off with about one good stab’s worth of life left in #2. Cry.
6j. Shoot. Climb. Inch. Hang on. Rest. Climb. Run. OH SHIT HANG ON. Inch. Inch. RUN. Inch. STABBITY. Mission accomplished!