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Because I completely suck at getting out to the theater to see movies while they’re there, I just got around to watching Cloverfield today.

Which might be just as well, because I’m not sure I would have been able to deal with this on the big screen, in the dark, unable to pause. Because aside from the constant, unrelenting dogg you think this is bad wait till you see what happens to these poor bastards next feeling of impending doom, this is about the most depressing fucking movie I’ve seen in a long time. That there was some amazing CG, though. I mean, damn. Watching the various making-of bits on the DVD gave me a CG-nerd boner the size of Montana.

Anyway. The short and completely spoiler-free summary:

Everything: La la la funny la la la cute la la la

Huge Fucking Monster: O HAI IM IN UR BIG APPLE TEARIN SHIT UP

Everything: DOOM DE DOOM DOOM DOOM DE DOOMY DOOMY DOOM! DOOM! DOOM DE DOOMY DOOMY DOOM! DOOM DOOM DOOMdoomdoomdoomdoomDOOM! The end!

The slightly longer version:

Okay, the first thing I want to address is something you find out about the monster itself in one of the making-of bits. That being: Clover is a baby. And he’s not tearing shit up out of malice, he’s tearing shit up because he’s lost and people are shooting at him and dropping bombs on him and he can’t find his mommy and he’s scared and freaking out.

Now I kind of have mixed feelings upon finding this out.

On the one hand… it kind of makes me feel sorry for him, the poor guy. Wouldn’t you freak out if you were in a strange place and you couldn’t find your mom and people were shooting at you?

On the other… if the baby is thirty stories tall and can singlehandedly trash New York City, I DO NOT WANT TO MEET ITS FUCKING MOMMY!

And if it’s not bad enough that there’s a gigantic monster freaking out and tearing shit up all over the place, the gigantic monster has brought tiny and even more horrible monsters along with it. Clover, I kind of felt bad for once they said he was a baby. The parasites… KILL THEM ALL WITH FIRE UGH GOD EW. They actually creeped me out more after I saw the nice clear CG demo of one running in the making-of thing. EW. Not to mention what they do to people. gaaaaaaaaah.

So as far as I can tell, Lily is the only one of the main bunch that survived. Yes. After all the shit that happens, after we follow Rob all over New York and watch him save his twu wuv, ROCKS FALL EVERYONE DIES.

No, seriously, that’s pretty much how it ends. Well, okay, more like:

Parasites: WHEEEEEEEEEE
Hud: OH SHIT
Marlena: *is awesome*
Parasite: OM NOM NOM NOM
Marlena: *is bitten*
Everyone: RUN AWAY oh whew army dudes, yay we’re saved
Rob: MY WUV, LET ME GO SAVE HER
Army Guys: stfu, noob.
Marlena: um you guys I don’t feel so*SPLAT*
Everyone: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

And then later, once Rob and Co. climb into a half-collapsed building and pull Beth off some rebar:

Everyone: yay we are on the helicopter, yay dropping bombs on Clover, yay we’re really saved this ti–
Clover: >:( *NOM*
Helicopter: *crash*
Everyone Important: yay we’re still alive!
Hud: whoops dropped my camera…
Clover: *ahem*
Hud: … … …oh shi-
Clover: OM NOM NOM NOM

So much for Hud.

Okay, so as much as this movie has shit on everyone important, you’d think maybe, maybe Rob and Beth would get out alive. Well… it’s possible, but it reeeeeally doesn’t look like it. BAD END with possibility of sequel, for one thing Clover is probably not the only one of his kind and for another, um, HE HAS A FUCKING HUGE MOTHER SOMEWHERE.

If Hud hadn’t been there to say something stupid once in a while, this might have been a little too much DOOMDOOMDOOM for my taste, but it was fun to watch while working today. Also the bloopers are hilarious. And someday I need to go through and screencap and icon and possibly macro some of this movie.

Originally published at Fanbrain Droppings. You can comment here or there.

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